Searching for love
by DarkMuse01
Summary: Dudley Dursley's life changes completely when he finds an unexpected love letter inside his locker. What does it mean and what is exactly the role of Axel Cross, the boy he bullies every day in all this? Warnings: Slash, MxM, Non-Magical
1. Chapter 1

Searching for Love

Hi, guys! If you are not familiar with my other stories, English is not my mother language so please forgive for my mistakes. This story will be two or maybe three chapters long and the characters in it are a little OOC (okay they are a lot OOC!) but please give it a chance and then tell me what you think.

Oh and I don't own Harry Potter but I thought that was obvious…

Chapter 1

"Good morning, everyone! It's a beautiful day today and here on radio Sunshine, we will try to make your week start with the best music around. Here is our top 10!"

I roll over on my bed, trying to ignore the sounds of the radio from downstairs. My mother listens to the same old station for years now and the host of the morning show has the most annoying voice I have ever heard in my life! I mean come on! When you work on the radio, you are supposed to have a beautiful and seductive voice, one that would make people actually want to listen to you every day. This guy on the other hand sounds like a pig that is being strangled to death. Yeah, I am not kidding, it sounds exactly like that.

"Dudders! Come down, sweetheart! Breakfast is ready!"

My mother… She will never understand that I am too old for these stupid nicknames. She is your typical overprotective woman who cares for her family but most of all, cares about what other people think about her. That's why she raised my cousin, Harry. But I don't want to talk about him right now, maybe after I am fully awake.

I get myself out of bed and walk to my closet, my head still in a sleepy haze. I open its brown doors and take out my jeans and the usual plain T-shirt. I never cared about clothing. All this no sense about fashion and trends are just too complicated for my simple mind to understand. You will know very soon that I am not a very clever person. It's the reason why my grades are so low.

I walk into the bathroom and after a quick shower and dressing up I run downstairs to eat. Food… now here is a thing, I can really understand. Eating is simple, it's natural and gives you the energy to do everything, the simplest instinct of the human race. But of course when I reach the kitchen I remember exactly why this small pleasure has been taken away from me. You see, eating is the main cause of my extra weight.

I never liked my body or my appearance in general (and who would? I am fucking ugly!) but the doctor said that I need to get myself in better shape if I didn't want to die in my forties from heart failure or diabetes. So he put me on the most painful and tiring program there was. And of course that program included a diet!

For those of you who don't know what that is (You, lucky bastards!): Diet is the thing when they take every food that is actually tasty from your daily meals, and replace it with the ugliest and nastiest stuff they could find. Especially the vegetables! I hate vegetables.

"Here is your grapefruit, darling. Make sure to eat it all."

I ignore my mother's words but eat the fruit anyway. No need to remain hungry for the rest of the day. My parents are sitting at the opposite side of the table, watching me with their always worried eyes.

I never understood why my mother married my father. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that she did otherwise I wouldn't have been alive right now but… my dad is just like me. He is fat, ugly and stupid. My mum on the other hand is pretty, not like the models on the magazines of course but pretty in her own unique way. I got my black curly hair from her but her green eyes are completely different from my blue ones, the only good thing I took from my father's genes.

So, why him? What did she see in him? Maybe love is really blind… and retarded.

"Dudley, your coach called me this morning. He said that you are doing pretty well and if you continue like that you might get into the team! I am so proud of you, son." says my dad and then returns to his bowl of cereal quickly.

Yea, I forgot to mention that. As part of my program, I started boxing with the school's coach. It is the only part of my new life style that I truly enjoy. Because boxing makes me feel stronger and more alive. It also improves my technic, when I beat up the people, who were unlucky enough to end up at the bottom of my school's social pyramid.

"Thanks, dad."

"It's so quiet without the boy in the house. I am so glad that he leaves for his weird school every September, even though there is no one to do his chores anymore."

The 'boy' that my mom is talking about is Harry, my cousin, the one I was telling you about before. I could never describe exactly what he is but all I have to say about him is that he is extraordinary. His parents died when he was a baby and since then he has been living with us. You could say that he was the brother that I never had… if you forgot about the way my parents and I treated him all these years. He became our maid, our servant, our little slave…so I wouldn't blame him, if he wanted to kill us in the cruelest way he could find.

Anyways, Harry is different from us. He has these 'powers' that make him go to his magical school and return here during the summer vacation. Sometimes I think that I miss him. After all he is a part of my sick and totally insane family.

As I was thinking that, I realize that I am going to be late for school.

"I have to go! See you at dinner!" I shout and run out of the house. The last thing I heard was my mother's voice saying

"Have a nice day!"

_I am a line_

School… my kingdom, my other home, my personal hell.

If you have ever been in a normal high school for a while then you know what I am talking about. We all have a specific role in its food chain: Some people are the nerds, some are the fags and others like me are the popular group. We are at the top, terrorizing, bullying and leading the ones bellow us. But when you are that high, it is easy to fall down and get killed.

"Hey, Big D! What's up?"

I close my locker and turn to my best friend with a smile. Piers is the stereotypical teenage boy (wow! I know what that word means?). Loud, aggressive and obsessed with girls and their boobs. He is very skinny and tall, the opposite of me, with black eyes and hair. Big D is my nickname and only my gang is allowed to call me that way.

"The usual. Got any target for today?"

"Malcolm has spotted Cross on the east hallway. He is wearing his queer clothing again. Maybe we should show him that faggots don't belong here."

'_Axel? Again?' _was my first thought but I dismiss it completely. Axel Cross annoys me the most. He never breaks under our pressure. On the contrary (another clever word!) he seems to get stronger with every punch. I hate him.

"Let's go then."

We walk together and everyone moves to give us space. They fear us, respect us and that's what I like about my status as a bully.

We finally find Malcolm and the others, pinning Cross against the wall and calling him names. They never wait.

When they realize my arrival, they make way for me so that I can be face to face with our prey.

The first thing I see is his hair. Dirty blond hair, gelled into thin spikes, grow on the top of his head, like the halo of the angels, they used to show us at church. His eyes are next. Piercing deep green, made to cut you like a knife with just one glance. And last his clothes.

What the hell was he thinking when he walked out of his house wearing _that_? A pink shirt? Is he suicidal?

"There you are! I was wondering when you will show up. Your dogs over here started without you again. You should never leave them unsupervised."

But the worst thing about him is his sharp tongue.

"You never know when to shut up, fag!" I shout and punch the wall next to his face.

"Oh, violence! How exciting! What's it going to be next, caveman? A kick? A stab? Go ahead! Nothing will change me! I like boys!"

My fist collides with his nose without my permission and blood spills on his shirt. The pink material turns slowly a deep red, but its owner doesn't fight back. He never fights back, no matter how much I want him to. It feels like he doesn't care about what will happen to him, doesn't care about what I might do to him…

"What's going on here? Let him go!" Ms. Pommel shouts and then adds "Dursley you have detention today along with your buddies. You will clean Mr. Cross's locker from all the pink paint you threw at it."

"It wasn't us, Miss." says Malcolm quickly, gaining a glare from the teacher.

"I know it was you, so don't try to fool me."

Just before the bell could ring, I glance at Axel's direction to make sure that he was okay. I still don't know why I did that.

It's not like I care about him.

_I am a line_

After detention and my boxing practice, I return to my locker alone as usual. I find the school quite depressing, when the students are missing from its hallways. It feels like a haunted house, where anyone could pop out of nowhere and scare you to death. But unlike everyone else in here, I stopped being afraid of the human scary stories a long time ago.

You would have done the same, if you had seen the monsters of Harry's world. Now here is something to really be afraid of.

It all happened last summer. I was trying to remind Harry his place in our family (I know, real mature of me to treat my cousin like dirt.) when out of the blue these_ things _came flying from the sky, making the world fill with darkness. Black hooded creatures without a solid body of their own, that's what they were. We tried to run away and hide but unfortunately they found us quickly.

They made everything feel so cold… cold and lonely. I thought I was going to die.

When one of them grab me and raised me in the air, horrible images entered my head. Harry told me later that these were the most painful memories of my life. But I still don't know why Axel's pained face was among them.

Everything changed inside me since that day. Because the moment my cousin saved me, I decided to change my attitude towards him and towards life in general. I am working on the first part but I will need a little more time for the big change. Maybe after I am out of this rat hole that we call High School.

Anyway back to today, the most interesting thing happens when I open my locker. A small note falls on the floor, something that clearly wasn't in there before.

I kneel to pick it up and my hand freezes when I read the final words at the end of the small message.

_LOVE, YOUR SECRET ADMIRER_

I grab the plain white piece of paper from the cold floor, close my locker without caring about my other stuff and run out of the building as fast as I can. I need to read this alone, without someone watching me.

I return home and without even saying hello to my mother and her stupid church friends, I lock myself to my room. My hands are trembling, my heart is beating like a drum out of tune and my face continues to change a hundred different colors per second as I finally take the note out of my pocket and start to read.

_Dear Dudley,_

_You might be wondering, why I didn't come to talk to you instead of writing this letter. Well the truth is… you and I just don't get along. I don't think you even notice me, when you are with your buddies. But I notice you._

_I like you and if you give me a chance, I think you might like me as well. _

_If you are interested just mark you locker with a little red dot. I will write you another letter with more information about myself._

_Don't worry I will understand if you don't do anything._

_Love, your secret admirer._

Why am I so excited about this crap? Is it because this is the first time that someone ever told me that they like me? And why do I feel so happy when I think about that this person and I don't get along? Do I have someone on my mind?

All I know is that the next day, I am going to leave a red dot with my pen on my locker's door.

A/n: I am sorry if it's all over the place and if I got the facts wrong but I wrote this because I wanted to give Dudley a storyline of his own.

Thank you for reading!

Bye!


	2. Chapter 2

Searching for love

Chapter 2

The days passed quickly but still no word from my secret admirer. Maybe they gave up after realizing exactly how much of a loser I truly am. That wouldn't be a big surprise for me.

Or maybe it was all just a big joke. Maybe my admirer never existed, a prank made by my sadistic classmates to see my reaction and make fun of it.

I don't care either way. It's not like I can't get a girl, if I wanted to, I just… haven't found the right one yet. All I need is some time.

"Did you hear about Mike? Sally's son? He is G-A-Y! Joe was furious! He threw him out of the house last night!"

"Oh, my god! How did they found out?"

"He told them! That little faggot had the nerve to tell his parents such a cruel thing! He didn't even care about their reaction or their fragile health! He deserves to burn in hell for his choice!"

"That's right! All of them will be punished in the afterlife! God will make sure of that! I thank Him every day for making my Dudley a normal and sweet child. He teaches those monsters that they don't deserve forgiveness for their sin every day at school. I am so proud of him."

That's another one of my mother's wonderful conversations. Sometimes I think that she can't live without them. Her friends from church come here three times a week! I lock myself up in my bedroom but still their voices reach my ears even with my headphones on.

They always talk about how gays are going to burn in hell, how they keep growing in number and they're going to destroy us one day without forgetting to gossip about everyone and everything of course. It's always been like this, ever since I was little.

I remember sitting by my mother's side, eating everything that the nice ladies gave to me and hearing all the interesting stories that they used to discuss with each other. They pinched my cheeks and called me cute, precious and other stuff like that. My mother always made Harry serve the tea and the cookies to the table. They treated him like a waiter, asking him to bring them the most ridiculous things. One of them had the nerve to ask him for a foot massage! He wasn't even allowed to sit when they were in the house.

I can't believe, I let them do that to him.

But they were… my role models. I feel ashamed for it now but when I was ten, I looked forward to their meetings. They were the ones, who taught me about the word of God, about his laws and punishments. I became a bully to please them, to please my mother. To show them that I am the strongest.

I still am…

The only right thing, I learned from them was that homosexuality was wrong. Don't look at me like that I don't know if they will burn in hell for their choice like Ms. Gardener says but it's still wrong. Wrong by nature, if not by God.

Two men can't have children together. They will have to use science to achieve this or raise a child, that isn't theirs. I am not against adoption but what kind of a lifestyle will this kid have without a woman or a man in the lesbian couples, by its side? Won't they feel different from their friends? Won't society see them as something abnormal? How could someone put an innocent soul in a situation like this?

My simple mind just can't accept it.

That's why even if I stop being a bully and treat people badly, I will never change the way I see gays. People like Axel need to realize that their choice will only make them and their family miserable.

_I am a line_

"Big D, we are going to Malcolm's house after school to play video games. Are you coming with us?"

I open my locker's door in a hurry, ready to tell Piers to count me in but I freeze when I look inside. Because right there, between my books and my boxing gear, there is a small and plain white note.

"I-I'll meet you there."

The guys walk away, yelling to each other like animals but I can't hear a single sound. All I can see is a piece of paper. My whole world is a piece of paper.

I raise my hand slowly and with careful movements unfold the reason of my nervousness.

_Dear Dudley_

_I hope you didn't forget about me. I certainly didn't forget about you._

_Sorry for not writing to you earlier, I just couldn't believe that you actually wanted to hear more about me. I was so happy!_

_I can't tell you a lot of things about me without giving myself away but I will try. I know you ever since you were eight, we never talked to each other back then but there was something about you that made you special._

_My favorite color is green just like the color of my eyes (hint, hint!) and I love strawberries! I am a cat person but I don't mind having another animal as a pet. But not lizards, I hate lizards! _

_I seriously don't know what else to write to you other that I like you. I like your smile, even if you don't show it often. I like your voice, even if you shout a lot. I like you and I want to talk to you in person. _

_If you want that too, please mark your locker again with a green dot this time. I will leave you a note to tell you the time and place._

_Love your secret admirer._

The first time I read the letter, I felt excitement and happiness. The second time I felt suspicion and by the fifteenth time I had made up my mind.

I am going to find out who this mysterious admirer is and nothing is gonna stop me.

_I am a line_

If we were friends, you might have asked me: "Dudley, why are you hiding behind this wall? Don't you have a life?"

But you are lucky that you are not one of my friends because I would have never told you the reason behind my unusual behavior. I would have just smacked you in the head and told you to mind your own business. And while you were walking away, I would have kicked you playfully but hard in the butt for being curious.

Yea, you are very… very lucky.

So back on topic, I am trying to catch my admirer in the act. I need to know who they are.

Now you are wondering "Why don't you just wait for the official meeting?"

The answer is easy: I want to make sure that this whole thing is not a prank. I will look like a fool, if I show up in the middle of nowhere and no one was there. I will not let myself be humiliated like that.

The bell rings in his usual annoying tone. I swear if I had to listen to either this or my mother's radio guy, I would have picked the radio guy any day. Why did they have to put that stupid thing inside a school anyway?

And I am of topic again… Focus, brain, Focus!

Alright! Let's see what we can discover… People are walking to their classes, the hallway becomes less crowded and I wait. I don't see any suspicious movement so I wait a little more. The hallway is empty now but I am still waiting for something weird to happen.

And then finally someone appears… and my heart stops beating. Because the mysterious person behind the love letters is standing a few feet away from me, checking my locker's door for a small green dot and shoving a small note through its tiny opening. Then he turns around and leaves.

No you didn't hear me wrong, I said HE! And that 'he' is my least favorite person in the world.

It's Axel fucking Cross.

_I am a line_

"It's Axel, it's Axel, It's AXEL!"

Three hours have passed ever since I found out about the true identity of my secret admirer but I still can't believe it! I thought about it during my classes, I tried to analyze the situation in my head, when I was walking back at home. And now I am sitting on my bed with my head between my hands, ready to scream at any moment because a fag decided to play his sick mind games with me.

"_Maybe he is not playing with you…"_

Great, that's exactly what I needed right now! Why are you here?

"_Because you need some guidance."_

I don't need any guidance from you, Harry!

"_I appear only when you need my help." _

That's true… because a person's conscience speaks to him only when he has to take big and serious decisions. And this particular little voice in my head is the proof of how much fucked up I am.

What kind of person, in their right mind, would have picked their cousin as their conscience? The voice of reason?

No one

"_You choose me because I am the only person in this house, who tells you the truth. No matter how much it hurts you or gets me in trouble."_

Yea… Harry is the honest one. He has never been afraid to tell someone his true opinion about something. I could never be this brave…

"_Maybe that's exactly what Axel did with the letters. He tried to be honest with you."_

I don't care! I am going to kick his ass tomorrow!

"_Is that why you still have his last note on your hand? You want to know exactly, where you will beat him up. Or is there another reason?"_

What the fuck are you talking about?

"_I don't know… Maybe you are secretly glad that it's him."_

Do I look glad to you?

"_No. That's why I said secretly."_

I am not like him! Homosexuality is wrong!

"_I never said that you were gay. But since you brought up the subject… why is homosexuality wrong again? "_

You are trying to trap me!

"_To what? You said that you are not gay. I am just trying to prevent you from harming the boy because he was stupid enough to like you. You don't have something to hide now, do you?"_

No!

"_Then let him be. Don't go to the meeting. He will understand."_

I stand up from my bed and start pacing around the room quickly.

I can't do that.

"_Why not?"_

I can't just let it go.

"_Why?"_

I can't just let him walk away.

"_Why?"_

"I DON'T KNOW!" I scream out loud and kick my bag angrily. It collides with the nearest wall with a loud BANG! and all of my books start flying in the air.

"Dudley are you alright, sweetheart?" my mother asks from downstairs.

"I am fine!" I yell at her and sit back down on the bed. My head hurts. I can't think about anything anymore.

"_Just talk to him." _was the last thing Harry said before he disappeared.

_I am a line_

Tomorrow comes faster than I expected. But my decision hasn't changed.

I will talk to Axel about the letters as soon as I get my hands on him. I won't wait for the meeting.

Unfortunately the guys decided to stay by side throughout the entire day and I couldn't be alone with the blond.

It's almost noon when I get my chance.

My gang has already left to beat up some nerds or at least that's what I heard and Axel is just standing by his locker, taking out his books and placing them carefully inside his bright blue school bag. His movements are gentle and slow without any hurry or nervousness in them. I always thought that he moved like a ghost.

I walk to him with quick steps and slam the green metal door close, making sure not to hurt his fingers.

His matching green eyes widen in pure shock.

"What are you doing here?" he asks horrified.

"Where should I be? In the park, waiting for you?" I say and show him the small note in my hand, where the place and time of our meeting is written with blue ink.

He just stares at it blankly.

"I saw you." I tell him "You put this inside my locker yesterday. You are my secret admirer."

My last words must have done their magic because he raises his gaze from the plain piece of paper and looking straight at me, says

"No, I am not. You misunderstood."

A/n: Done! For now. The next chapter will the last for this storyline (I think.) but I don't know, when exactly I will post it. I will try to do it as soon as possible!

jon08: Thank you for your kind words. I tried to explain to the readers the reason behind Dudley's strange behavior in this chapter but to tell you the truth I don't think I did a very good job.

Dudley is confused. He wants to change but still remain the same at the same time because he fears that he will lose everything. His friends, his family's approval, his reputation… everything. That's why he can't accept himself. He pushes the disturbing for him thoughts at the back of his head and tries to not think about them. But he can'thide from the truth forever.

I hope, I answered your question.

Bye!


	3. Chapter 3

Searching for love

A/n Hi people! I am sorry that this took far too long to be finished but I got writer's block and couldn't concentrate on this storyline. I mean, I knew what I wanted to write, I just couldn't turn it into words. Anyway… let's get something straight here. I am not really proud of this chapter but I had to post it because I hate it, when people leave their stories unfinished. When you'll finish reading it, please tell me what you really think. I promise that I will delete the whole story if I see that you don't like it (but only if you have a reason not to like it. I mean a real reason.). So… let's continue.

Chapter 3

I don't wanna go home…

Please, please don't make me go there. I can't let them see me like this, I can't let my mother see me like this…

I want… I don't know what the fuck I want anymore, j-just let me sit here in this alley. I promise you that I won't mind the rain that is going to fall on my face later. I promise you that no matter how cold or dark it will get in the night, I won't move a single inch away from this brick wall that has become my only shelter.

I promise you, I will be fine…

…

Okay, maybe not.

…

It's just that… I don't know how to deal with everything right now. I want to hide from the world and its cruelty.

And it's all Axel's fault.

If only he hadn't been involved in this… He should have just stayed out of other people's business and let them solve their problems themselves! Why did he have to try to help?

Why did he have to be the one, who changed everything?

And you know what's worse? He didn't even have to try hard to destroy me. All he had to do was… speak.

"No I am not. You misunderstood." were the words that had started my slow but painful fall to the darkness.

'_What?'_ I wondered in my head.

"It wasn't me. It was… Oh my god! She must be waiting for you!"

'_What?'_

"Run! Run as fast as you can! You have to go to the park!"

'_What is he saying?'_

"Are you retarded or something? I said run!"

"You didn't write this?" I managed to ask, when my brain finally decided to work.

"Of course not! It was my stupid sister! She was the one, who made me put the notes in your locker because she was too scared to do it herself!"

"You have a sister?"

Axel stared at me with blank eyes again but then his stunned expression gave place to his usual angry one.

"Wow… I underestimated your stupidity. You really don't know anything, do you? Yes, I have a sister and she has been in love with your sorry ass for YEARS! Don't ask me why! Personally I find you disgusting."

Disgusting? Am I really that horrible? I mean I am not blind, I see my face in the mirror every day but… in the back of my mind I never saw myself as something disgusting. Ugly yes, too fat for my own good yes but disgusting… that was taking it a little too far even for me. And the fact that it was Axel, who told me this, made the comment even more hurtful in my mind. Axel… I bet he has never heard anyone tell him that he was something less than beautiful. What does he know about being imperfect? Despite his sexuality, he has nothing else to worry about!

I must be crazy, thinking that he was the one, who wrote me the letters! Why would someone like _him_ want to have anything to do with someone like _me_?

"_Careful, your walls are falling."_ I heard Harry's voice in my head. That's when I realized that Axel had stopped talking and was staring at me with a calculating look in his green eyes. Suddenly those eyes widened with realization and a whisper escaped his lips.

"Unless… you wanted it to be me?"

"No!" was my immediate reaction "I don't want you! I…"

"Oh god… You actually wanted the secret admirer to be me." Axel continued almost without listening to me, screaming like a mad scientist, who had just made the biggest discovery of his life.

"NO!"

"You… like me? That's why you bully me?" Axel continued in the same tone. He seemed to be trapped inside his own little world, mumbling all kinds of things to himself like 'How did I not see it before?' or 'It's so obvious now.' I wanted to make him understand that he was making things up into his head but nothing worked.

And then I heard Harry's voice whispering something that made my blood freeze.

"_He knows…"_

'_He doesn't know anything, he just thinks that he does.'_ I explained to my annoying cousin with frustration. The idiot was just saying the weirdest things at the worst times. And Axel was still not listening to me!

"_You can't hide anymore, Dudley." _Continued Harry and I got the feeling that Axel wasn't the only one, who was ignoring me. _"This is the end…"_

The end? What the fuck was he talking about? What end? Nothing had been finished yet!

Those thoughts did it for me. That panic, all the anger that I had been keeping inside me, that I constantly ignored… it finally found its way out. And I welcomed it, every part of it. It gave me a power, I had never felt before. It changed me in seconds, turning me into a monster without any logic in it.

It made me scream.

"Shut up! Shut up! Just SHUP UP! You know nothing! You don't understand ANYTHING about me! Stop it! Both of you, stop it!"

Finally Axel's eyes were on me again but the horror that I had expected to see wasn't there. It was as if my loud voice and my sudden mental break down hadn't surprised him at all. On the contrary, he seemed very calm and collected as he narrowed his eyes and hissed in his (familiar now for me) threatening voice.

"Don't tell me to shut up! Don't you dare tell me to shut up! You don't have any right to order me! Not while you continued to torture me every day because you just couldn't deal with a simple crush! You are just a poor excuse of a man and I don't want to ever see you again in front of me! And why the hell did you say both of us? Who are you talking about? There's no one else here! Are you going insane, Dursley?"

Yes… insane. I must have gone totally insane. Because only a mentally ill person would have done what I did next.

I started crying! And no I am not talking about letting just a few tears ran down my face like a true man would. I am talking about full on crying! With lots of tears, whimpers and struggled breathing. I could still hear his hurtful words over and over again and that made my sobs even louder and filled with pain. '_How did he do that? How did he manage to wound me just by talking? How?'_ I wondered. _'And where did he get that power from? I want to know!'_ In a smaller part of my brain, however, some other questions were and still are bothering me. Where had all those tears come from? Was I hiding them at the same place that I hid all the anger from before?

I was so confused and hurt at that moment that I didn't realize that I had somehow lowered myself on the cold floor of the school's main corridor, until Axel joined me, looking shocked for the first time in the many years that I know him.

"Dursley? Are you crying?"

Wasn't it obvious? Only someone blind wouldn't have understood that by now. But then again with whose loud sobs of mine, I am sure that they would have heard me…

Suddenly at the corner of my eye, I saw a pale hand moving towards me, making my heart beat faster at the thought of Axel's touch. I needed it, I graved for it, I never wanted something with such a passion before, I…

I ran.

Before his fingers could even make the slightest contact with my skin, I stood up and ran. Ran in the speed of lighting, ran until my feet couldn't handle my weight, searching for a place to hide, away from the prying eyes of everyone I knew.

Away from him.

But if you thought that that was the end of my little comedown then you were mistaken, my friend. I wasn't finished yet. Oh, no… I had to go and stumble into the worst place, I could possibly pick. And at the worst time too. Because when I finally stopped running, I realized that I had by some crazy coincidence walked into the road that my mother had always warned me about ever since I had entered the tender age of thirteen, the Road of the brothels. The road of the _gay _brothels.

It wasn't a very big road, not if you compare it to the one used by the normal kinds of whorehouses, which was a few blocks away. After all there weren't many people in this part of the town, who would be interested in owning such a place. Not if you counted the very small amount of customers, they would have and the humiliation that they would feel, when everyone found out about their little 'business'.

It was totally understandable for someone to not want to have anything to do with this road….

….but yet I was still standing there, my feet rooted on the pavement, staring at all the hustlers, who were getting ready for the work that was going to come once the sun was no longer in the sky.

And that was the reason why this was the worst time to be here. There were no customers, waiting for their turn now, the street was almost empty except from those boys and me. They were the hunters and I was their prey.

"Hi there… looking for some company?"

The low and seductive voice behind me surprised me and made me turn my head around with such a speed that I feared that my neck was going to break. As I groaned from the sharp pain, my eyes met a pair of amused green ones and I was lost. Completely lost.

The young man in front of me looked like one of those models that you saw in the fashion magazines that girls loved so much. He had short dirty blond hair that barely reached his ears, board shoulders and a naughty smile, which became wider as soon as he had examined me with the same eyes that held me as their prisoner from the start of our meeting.

"So… what's it going to be, big boy? Do you want some company or should I leave?" he asked one more time, ready to go if I said no.

But the words were out of my mouth before I had the chance to analyze their meaning.

"S…S-Sure… where are we going?"

_I am a line_

I still don't know why I did that.

No, that's a lie and I believe that after all that I've experienced today, there's no room for any more lies in my life.

I know exactly why I did it.

Axel…

That guy reminded me too much of Axel. An Axel, who didn't push me away or called me names like the real one did. This one was looking at me with desire not hate.

And for some reason, Harry had decided to shut up and let me go with him.

Not even my conscience wanted to save me now…

So I followed the hustler inside one of the houses without saying a word, without caring about the heated stares that the other boys were giving me or the stairs that we climbed and the doors that we passed. A few minutes later, he stopped in front of one of those doors and after making sure that I was still following him, he took a key out of the pocket of his tight blue jeans and opened it with a small click.

The room wasn't something special. I didn't expect it to be, to tell you the truth. It had a large Queen sized bed in the middle of it and a dark brown closet on the left. The windows were covered by a pair of thick black curtains, which blocked the limited sunlight of the afternoon sun completely. There was only one small lamp in the nightstand next to the bed but it still wasn't enough to lighten everything. I could barely see the dark color of the walls around us.

"First time, huh?" asked the hustler as he walked towards the closet and took a cigarette packet out of it. "Want some? It's for the stress. 'Boss doesn't want to see us smoking around the customers but I think that you will need it. I hide it here for people like you." He offered without losing the welcoming smile from before.

"People like me?" I asked, ignoring the cigarette that he was trying to give me. I hate smoke, not only because of it is unhealthy and dangerous for the people around you but because the memory of my father's cigars and their horrible smell was one of those things that made my stomach turn. I don't want to be like my father…

"Yea… You are one whose people, who fear the truth." He answered "You think that by sleeping with whores like me, no one will ever find out about it. You feel safe, when someone like me touches you, because you know that I won't tell it to anyone. I couldn't do it even if I tried…

You even choose me for your first times instead of going out there and search for the one, who will treasure it because you don't want to let your 'straight' mask fall. Although you will be miserable for your whole life, you prefer to get married to the first girl that's close enough to your ideal partner, even though she is missing a very important part of your _real_ ideal partner, and have the perfect little family with her. And during this time, you return here… two times a week, three times a week or sometimes every single night and you still do it while hoping that one day, your desire will stop existing.

Well let me tell you something… this thing that you feel right now… it will never go away, no matter how much it disgusts you or it frightens you. It will stay there forever, until you'll accept for what it really is. You. The real you."

I sat on the bed, listening to his long monologue with interest but still a little bit of confusion. I tried to speak, to explain to him why I was there but then I realized that I didn't know what I was going to say. Was I one of those losers that he was talking about? As I was asking myself that He kneeled in front of me and looked at me with those deep green eyes of his that reminded me so much of Axel, saying in a low voice

"But… who am I to judge you? I am just a slut, who will probably be dead in a few years… I don't have the right to judge you. After all, the only person that you are destroying with this attitude is yourself. Your wife would move on, your kids could move on or accept you, but you… you would be too damaged and too naïve to survive in our world.

But like I said before, I am not here to judge you, I am here to entertain you and make you feel good.

So… just sit back, relax and I will do all the work for you."

And just like that he stood up and walked to the closet again, turning his back to me. He took a small radio from the top shelf and put it next to him as he stepped in front of the bed once more.

"By the way… my name is Tyler." He said and then turned the radio on.

Seductive… that's the only word that could describe the slow music that filled the air once Tyler pressed the on button. Seductive like the man before, who moved his hips along with the rhythm and at the same time undid the buttons of his black shirt with his tanned fingertips.

As more skin started to show under the cheap fabric, I wondered whenever or not Axel would have done something like that for his lover. Do all gay guys strip like this?

No… Axel would have never done something like that. He would probably bitch like the princess that he is and order to be held.

Yea, that sounds more like him.

…

That sounds like something that I will never see…

Something that I want to see.

But why? Why? WHY?

All my life, I wanted to be normal, to be able to fit in… to make everyone proud of me. I don't want to be left behind, to blame myself for the doom of a child; I DON'T want to be a freak…

God, Tyler was right. I really am a loser. A miserable closet case that's so afraid of what he truly wants.

And I want Axel…

No, I don't just want him… I think that I am in love with him.

From the first moment I saw him in that fucking playground, sitting all alone and playing with his dolls. I knew it back then but I still didn't want to admit it. It was too weird for a kid like me back then. So I threw his dolls in the mud and stepped on them with as much strength as I could. I never let him out of my sight after that.

I always loved him secretly without wanting to accept it or to even think about it. Denial was my second last name but the feeling was always there.

And it's never going to go away just like Tyler said. I just had to realize it.

Unfortunately I still wasn't ready to accept it.

"I… I am sorry. I can't do this." I told Tyler and tried to stand up and take out my wallet to pay him for his time and valuable help. A hand stopped me in the middle of my search.

"Don't… you are making the right choice. There's no need to pay me." He said and opened the door for me to leave. "Go and never come back."

I ran.

I ran again, leaving the brothels' street behind me. Ran and never looked back.

And that's how I got here.

The tears returned on my eyes one more time as I kneeled down on the pavement and took a big breath. I stayed like this for a few moments, crying silently and trying to calm down.

Are you shocked? Did you totally freaked out by my revelation just like I did or were you expecting this from the very beginning? I wouldn't be surprised if you were, you seem smart. Not like me, who is probably going to keep hiding until there is nowhere else to go to.

I still don't want to go home.

I don't think that there's a place for me over there anymore… Not in their perfect little world, where mistakes like me are not forgiven.

It's hard to go against everything that you have learned to live for so many years and break your own rules and promises. And no… I am not talking only about my parents right now.

I am talking about myself.

Even though the truth is much clearer now, I still can't see myself wearing clothes like Axel's or start acting like him. I can't imagine myself having a relationship like all the gay couples in the TV shows do…

Actually that would be really nice…

They look happy, wrapped in their own secret world, where they can be happy without being permanently hurt. They have their own difficulties of course but they still have one another.

While I have no one to care about me, to love me for whom I really am. But what am I saying? I didn't even acknowledge a big part of the real me, didn't even see me, why should they?

Where is Harry's voice, when you need it?

"Dursley?"

My head snapped up at the direction of the familiar voice and I felt my eyes try to opo out of their sockets.

Because right there in front of me stood Axel fucking Cross.

A/n: Hi again. I am sorry if I seemed too harsh in the beginning I just really wanted this story to be great. There will be one more chapter (the last I hope) that I will try to post soon.

Thank you so much, Petrichor-3 for reviewing. I hope that I put you out of your misery.

Bye!


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